The Pandemic Saved Me From My High School Reunion

On growing up & status anxiety.

Over the last few weeks, as we have been settling into winter here in Sydney, my partner Tim and I have started a new tradition of watching a new film every night. The night usually begins with me lighting a Glasshouse candle as we snuggle underneath our doona with my iPad. The candle is called Movie Night, and with notes of roasted almonds, creamy vanilla and salted caramel, it smells of popcorn and choc tops, and perfectly recreates the movie theatre experience.

We started off by watching critically acclaimed, artsy films, but we’ve since started watching films that I always wanted to watch as a kid, but wasn’t allowed to. Psychologists would say I’m healing my inner child. Although I sneakily borrowed Not Another Teen Movie from Video Ezy back in the day, unbeknownst to my parents, I had never seen many of the films that were considered essential viewing for millennials…until now. Psychologists would say it’s delayed rebellion.

It all started when I was chatting to someone and they brought my attention to my fallen bra strap. My top was still covering me, but I made a joke that I was like Tara Reid, referencing her infamous wardrobe malfunction on the red carpet circa 2004. “Who is Tara Reid?” they asked. While I had never seen any of her films, I had an awareness of who she was from the hours I’d spent reading Dolly Magazine as a teenager. “Oh, she’s one of the big party girls of the early 2000s. I’m pretty sure she was in the American Pie movies.” I said. The Aussie Millennial Bible, Dolly Magazine, had given me all kinds of useless pop culture knowledge, as well as access to the beloved Dolly Doctor sealed section. I told Tim about the exchange when I got home, and later that night, when it was time to select a film, he said “What about American Pie?”.

Alas, we watched the first film which I enjoyed more than I expected, so the following nights, we continued to watch the rest of the franchise with the original cast. The final instalment with the original cast follows them to their 13th year high school reunion. It was weird watching the franchise for the first time at the same age as all of them at the reunion. The characters had feelings of the best days being behind them and them longing for their uncomplicated teenage lives. The movie got me thinking about how quickly time moves and how mortifying a high school reunion would be.

The pandemic was weird and terrible, but even in the toughest of times we can often find a silver lining. Mine was, the pandemic saved me from my 10 year high school reunion. Being in lockdown here in Sydney, was still more desirable than answering “So, what are you up to now?” over and over again. I graduated in 2010 from a Catholic high school in Western Sydney. I didn’t even shed a tear at my graduation ceremony. I was certain life after high school was going to be wonderful and that I would make something of myself. Alas, ten years just wasn’t enough time for me to get my shit together. I’ve been far too busy worrying about things that don’t matter!

When it came to selecting a film the next night, I suggested Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion in the spirit of existential crisis brought on by films. Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion followed, you guessed it, Romy and Michele to their 10 year high school reunion. When Romy and Michele learn they have an upcoming high school reunion, they figure their current lives would not be impressive enough to their peers, and decide to challenge themselves to get better jobs and boyfriends in the space of two weeks. When that plans fails, Romy suggests they lie about their lives in an attempt to seem more successful to their graduating class. Many people dismissed them as losers, when really, they were quite admirable. They moved to LA like they said they would, they had a unique sense of style, and they were living life on their own terms. Sure, they didn’t have high paying jobs or a husband and kids in the suburbs, but their lives made sense for them and were an example to all of us who are still figuring things out. They also had true friendship, and were both super hot. Shouldn’t that be enough!?!

Manifesting this for my 20 year reunion.

Let’s just say that I related more to Romy and Michele’s high school experience than the guys in American Pie. I was never popular, but I wasn’t a total outcast either. I was somewhere in the middle and could be found practising my self-written monologue or changing my Bebo background to a Jonas Brothers themed wallpaper. “Shut the fuck up, Kayla” was something that I heard often, but it didn’t register as hurtful until many years later in a therapy session. I was upbeat, excitable and enthusiastic, with a history of clinical depression. You know, before it was cool. All things considered, I did a good job of staying true to myself despite the social exclusion caused by being in the school choir.

I think deep down a lot of people’s motivation in life is to stick their success to someone, most likely a high school bully. What I have come to learn is that things don’t always work out the way you expect them to, and living your life to seek revenge on someone else is ultimately going to spiritually bankrupt yourself. The greater question you should ask yourself is why you actually care what they think. Your high school bullies are not thinking of you. They aren’t sitting by a window, wondering where you are and longing for your forgiveness. They are busy with their own lives and thinking about themselves. And just like you have grown, they probably have too. Maybe a way to find peace is choosing to believe they have evolved from their 16 year old selves. And if they haven’t, their punishment is having to navigate their own lives as an emotionally stunted individual. For a lot of us, our biggest bully was never the mean girl from high school, or the coworker who specialised in water cooler gossip, but our own psyches. Our own inner voices that consist of everyone who has ever hurt us, and everything we are afraid of. Growing up is much about gaining control of that voice and not letting it stop us from leading fulfilling lives. I also no longer subscribe to the ‘by this age’ or ‘by this reunion’ rhetoric because these timelines are bullshit and only cause people pain.

Me to my own psyche.

I think running into someone from high school is almost like running into an old version of yourself, because that is the version of you that they remember. They don’t know how you’ve grown and evolved, or how life has hurt you. They just remember how your big plan was to move to LA and marry a Jonas Brother. I think it can also be difficult because it is almost like looking your younger self in the eyes and saying we haven’t figured it out yet, kid. I suppose underneath it all is a feeling of not wanting to disappoint your inner child. With that said, I’ve noticed that as long as I lead my life with authenticity, I end up where I need to be. In many ways, some of the things I cherish most in my life now were never a part of my original life plan as a teenager.

I’ve built my life centred around my values and have the freedom to make choices that are good for me. It might sound silly, but I think on a subconscious level, I previously felt like a failure because I wasn’t in a constant state of happiness. I think my younger self put a lot of stock in growing up, gaining independence and never experiencing sadness ever again. I’ve since learned that I’m here to live a human experience, and feeling sad sometimes is a part of that. I haven’t failed because life hasn’t gone exactly how I thought it would in 2003. I’m out here doing my best and that is all I can ask of myself.

I’ve also learned the real world is just as vicious, and if not more terrible than high school. In other ways it is much better, in that, you are old enough to decide how much you let outside opinions influence you. And if you know yourself and have at least one person who is your ‘person’ then that’s all you need. Not to mention, the people who would be classified as ‘having their shit together’ at a young age, have likely followed a script that millions before them have trialled and errored. It certainly would be easier to navigate early adulthood when you can look to the generations before you as reference points. Those of us following the road less travelled, are often questioned for our life choices. What I think we could all be better at is knowing that while someone’s life may not make sense to you, it makes sense for them. We need to normalise people following different paths, and approaching them with curiosity rather than judgment. In other words, if I have attended your bachelorette party or baby shower, I expect you to support and celebrate me, when I achieve something outside of the pursuit of marriage and motherhood.

Perhaps the biggest mistake of youth is realising too late that being who you are was always more than enough. I also went through the process of growing up and denying where I was from, only to realise much too late all of the ways in which it was special. I hated that I was from Western Sydney and felt embarrassed for not having a lot of money. The very place I was ashamed of, and running far away from, taught me many valuable lessons, and now that I’m older I can appreciate much of the little details of my upbringing. Things that shouldn’t be taken for granted or assumed that everyone had. I can think back to that time and am filled with nostalgia, warmth and sadness for a time that I will never have again. My parents being younger, the simplicity of suburban living, Hawaiian-themed house parties, buying CD’s from Kmart with my Wendy’s pay check, texting on a Nokia by carefully pressing each button to get the desired letter. Eating Pizza Pockets. Sitting in the sun without worrying skincare influencers would be appalled with me. Friendships that have since faded. Loved ones who have passed away. I suppose all I can take from this is to make a conscious effort to observe and appreciate all the small details of my current life. You don’t need to have it all, all at once, to allow yourself the peace and happiness you deserve. Even in the toughest seasons of my life, I still have things that I miss from those chapters. I always envied Adam Sandler’s character in Click when he had the ability to go back in time after realising what was important in his life. He had the wise perspective of his older self with the ability to access his younger self. I guess one could argue that we can access the same enlightenment by leading our lives with authenticity and constantly checking if our choices align with our values.

Philosopher Alain De Botton, the founder of The School of Life, wrote in his book Status Anxiety how one should never go to their high school reunion:

The closer two people are, in age, in background, in the process of identification, the more there is a danger of envy, which is incidentally why none of you should ever go to a school reunion because there is no stronger reference point than people one was at school with.

Now, at this stage of my life, I’m the most happy and confident version of myself I’ve ever been. I don’t think I would even lie if I ran into someone from high school (Well maybeee a little white lie about dating Harry Styles). I’m still finding my way with my career path, but I live in a cute apartment in an area that my teenage self would think was the coolest. I run a cute blog that is kind of the Dolly Magazine equivalent in 2023. I have a wonderful family, beautiful friends and the sweetest boyfriend who also loves So Fresh Compilations and talking about books, films and music with me for hours and hours. All the little details of my life right now make sense to me, and perhaps someone from high school may view me as a catastrophic failure by societal standards, but to me it feels like a sunny afternoon in 2008 without sunscreen (you just had to be there).

For the sake of transparency, I have to share that a chunk of this essay was written prior to me seeing an old high school friend walking in my direction the other day. Look, I’m not proud of it, but I bolted in the opposite direction. Perhaps a better approach would’ve been me saying “Would you excuse me? I cut my foot earlier and my shoe is filling up with blood”. A friend said that running away may have drawn more attention to myself and I have been thinking about that for the past 72 hours.

For what it’s worth, there’s actually a lot of people from my high school who I will randomly remember and hope they’re doing well. So, if any of my old high school peers are reading this, I hope you’ve found your happiness, or will very soon, and if you see me on the street and bolt in the opposite direction, I totally understand.