I turned 32 on Christmas Day. In other words, I’m season one Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City, I’m season two Jessica Day in New Girl, and I’m George Costanza in season two of Seinfeld. You know, around the time he attempted to poison his boss, but long before he started eating out of the trash. I like the idea of being an earlier season of any character because it makes me feel like I’m just beginning. Also, if Olivia Rodrigo wanted to write another song about a girl who’s “so much older than me” I would fit the bill.
I approached my 32nd birthday with ease and nonchalance. I’m usually super emotional around my birthday, but this past year has taught me so many lessons, and being sad about a number now seems silly to me. I often worry about how things could go wrong, but lately I’m fascinated by the idea of how quickly life can change for the better. I also recently purchased a digital version of The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins and have a tarot card reading booked for later this month. No, but really, I’m doing really well. Nothing to see here!
Moving from your late 20s to your early 30s is kind of like the transition from primary school to high school. You go from being the oldest in your cohort to being the babies again. And just like toddlers, we need to nap, snack and stare at people without blinking.
I will say, being 32 feels a lot like 25, 29 and 31. I certainly don’t feel like I’m in a constant state of self-actualisation, but life feels easier when you have some experience to pull from. For what it’s worth, I finally feel like I’m ready to be 21. It’s only taken me 32 years. I’m also finally ready to get my Pen License (I was last to get mine in Year 4 and I’m ready to heal my trauma). The truth is, I feel younger now than I did a decade ago. I remind myself of this when I feel scared about growing older. When I was 22, I was really serious, burned out and jaded. I was seeking validation from people who were committed to misunderstanding me. I don’t know about you, but I was feeling 22, and it was hard.
I think I’m ready for this new chapter because I have witnessed how old people are forgiven for being forgetful, and how often people give up their seats for them on the bus. You see, I like the idea of being the older and wiser friend and calling anyone younger than me Grasshopper. In some ways, I feel like I’m finally aging into my personality because my favourite genre of music has been Adult Contemporary since I was a baby. On the other hand, I still feel so connected to my younger self and don’t want to stop decorating my journals with holographic butterfly stickers or listening to all the songs I loved when I was 13.
This past year turned out differently than I expected, but it evolved in a way I didn’t know it needed to. It started with a concussion, attending The Eras Tour and reevaluating my lifestyle. As the year drew to a close, I felt a shift in my priorities and a desire to leave behind outdated narratives I had around myself and what’s possible for my life. I also learned that I’m a sucker for a loyalty card and Boost Juice has a hold over me like nothing else does.
I spent a lot of time watching films with my partner Tim. We would go through the icons: Natalie Wood, Diane Keaton…Vince Vaughn. And more recently, Steve Martin. In doing so, I decided that I want to age like Steve Martin. In other words, I want my hair to turn white when I’m 35 and then for time to stand still. I’m also now finding myself siding with parents in movies: No Austin, you’re not throwing away your scholarship to kiss a girl in the rain!
Sometimes I feel like I’m like the main character of a TV series who keeps making the same mistakes again and again. I think I’m at the stage where the actor playing me has to remind its viewers that they are only playing a role to avoid them getting cancelled. With that said, this last season has shown some significant character development and plot twists that even I didn’t see coming.
I spent the past year largely off social media. I decided I wanted to delete my Instagram account so I could focus on living my life inwards, stop comparing myself to others and to fill my time with more meaningful things like reading, writing, seeing family, eating cheese and crackers on the couch, underneath a blanket, while blasting my air conditioner (a thrilling combination). It’s not that I am now exempt from feelings of inadequacy, or don’t fall victim to wasting my time on frivolous things anymore, but I’m just not actively seeking it by scrolling mindlessly on an app designed to do all of those things. I also rarely take selfies now, unless they’re pictures of my eyelid dermatitis so I can show my doctor.
Over the past year, I also introduced a wider variety of foods into my diet after 12 years of veganism. I had always been proud of my discipline and believed in the lifestyle, but it was no longer working for me and it took me a long time to admit that to myself. What I learned is that I’m allowed to change my mind: even if something served me for a time, it’s okay to accept that things may have changed. It also taught me that not all things are black and white: sometimes you need to live in the grey. In doing so, I had an energy for life that I hadn’t been able to access in years. I also gained an unwavering trust in my intuition. I would like to think that me no longer being vegan means I’m no longer annoying, but as it turns out, it was always my personality that was annoying, not my veganism!
I’m starting to realise that the biggest obstacle has always been myself. Somewhere along the way, I absorbed the words of my biggest critics and became president of the Kayla Valerie Snark Club - making merch and writing fan fiction. I‘ve realised there’s a difference between holding yourself accountable and holding yourself hostage. Going to live shows and watching lots of films over the past year has inspired me to revisit some creative projects that I had put on the back burner because I was afraid of failure and validating my worst fears. I’ve recently started a new course and I couldn’t be more excited about what is next.
This last year reminded me how my family knows what true unconditional love is. I mean, of course there’s unconditional love: there’s no way I would’ve stepped foot on a cruise ship or attended a Harry Potter themed birthday party dressed as Moaning Myrtle otherwise (perhaps stories for another time). We always protect our tribe. We show up. I really appreciate how we love and support one another. We may not always agree, we may have different approaches, but I always know there’s good intentions beneath every word and action. And while I’m often thinking forward, it is important for me to look back and remember the people who have stood by me. On that note, Tim and I celebrated 12 years together this year. At 32, I feel I can truly embrace the gravity of how lucky I am to love someone so deeply and to have them love me wholeheartedly in return.
As of right now, I suppose I just want to embrace life as it happens and approach each passing year with grace. I don’t want to cling to my youth, but I also don’t want to age myself prematurely because society tells me I should be one way or another. I want to roller blade, drink smoothies and live less in my head and more in the present. I’m feeling the pull to move forward into a new chapter: to let go of debilitating expectations and to lower the stakes. 32, and still growing up now.
Albums I loved when I was 31:
Kacey Musgraves — Deeper Well
Waxahatchee — Tigers Blood
MJ Lenderman — Manning Fireworks
Chappell Roan — The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess
Sabrina Carpenter — Short n’ Sweet
Fontaines D.C — Romance
I’m pretty sure my teacher was mean and made me wait the longest before I got my pen license in primary school.
32 is a wonderful place to be, with so many adventures in store.,
Also, I’m very excited to hear more about your creative projects and new course. I’ve definitely also found that my thirties have given me the perspective to actually pick up some of my longest held (and dustiest, from the neglect) dreams and start to put them into action.
Let’s go!
Perfect! 💕🎉