This popped into my inbox just when I was reflecting on some similar frustrating moments when people, often who you don’t know at all, actively try to put you in on the back foot socially.
You describe it all very well, across a lot of different ages yet the tactics remain the same.
The lack of interest, the patronising non responses to conversational engagement and responses that are purposefully designing misunderstanding in order to shame.
I do believe it is mostly from a place of their own deep insecurity and envy of another’s self love and self awareness, teamed with the maladaptive inability to engage with people who are in these ways and others, different to them.
A beautiful essay Kayla. I always enjoy your way of diving into your ideas and experiences in your writing. Thanks for the food for thought❤️
Awww hi Amy!! Thank you so much for reading and for taking the time to share these reflections. I’m so glad this piece resonated with you. It’s been something that’s been on my mind a lot lately, and it was therapeutic to put into words. I’ve always admired your authenticity — especially when in situations or environments that don’t promote individuality and diversity. I agree with all of your beautifully articulated reflections — especially around how such treatment often reveals more about the other person than it does about us. Although, that doesn’t make it any less hurtful. I’m really looking forward to reading some of your writing on Substack, because if it’s anything like this thoughtful commentary, we are so fortunate. I hope you’re well, and thriving with all of your creative projects/settling into your new home. Sending lots of love your way ❤️
Oh thank you Kayla. Yes the hurt does stick doesn’t it - we are funny creatures, humans, who seem to spend most of our time unconsciously pushing our hurt onto others. I also gained so many nourishing, positive take aways from your essay which hit close to home as well. Particularly I loved the sense of an overall resilience to uphold consistent self acceptance, not turn away from that which feeds your joy and the sustainable power that these practices gives to one’s confidence and creative pursuits. Soul food!
I absolutely need that little push to get my writing into a Substack and thank you so much for that lovely compliment.
All going steadily here though sometimes I feel like I’m a little dog that’s been lifted out of a pool when swimming. I’m not in the water but my legs are still kicking.
Hoping you and Tim are also absolutely thriving right now with many adventures coming your way in the second half of the year.
Huge amounts of love to you as well. I’ll be hanging out for your next post, while getting my fix in the epic back catalog. Enjoy the start of your week. ❤️
I have had a draft about this topic brewing on my dashboard for almost two years now! I remember in kindergarten trying to be “mean” because that was my image of what I thought “cool” was. I look back and I’m so embarrassed at how I abandoned myself. Thank you for sharing this so candidly and making me feel understood!
Aww thank you Jordan!! I’m so glad you enjoyed, and that you recognised parts of yourself in it. I think we’ve all had those moments — I’m constantly cringing at my past self (even as recent as last week lol) and I wonder how I could have ever behaved the way I did.
I think underneath the desire to be cool is actually a desire for acceptance, community and safety — which is very human. I hope you still go ahead and write your own reflections on this. I would love to read it 🥰💗
I loved this piece! I think the having courage part resonated the most and is the only part I feel connects what I thought what cool then and now. Confidence is such a powerful trait: no matter what someone is interested in, if they can be confident in their way and execution, it’s almost always impressive. Inauthentic confidence is easy to spot.
Right!? And aligning yourself with trends and art that don’t align with you, only to seem cool, isn’t authentic or courageous at all. Seeing someone having courage in their convictions and owning what they love, is very alluring and inspiring — and refreshing nowadays! Thank you so much for taking the time to share these reflections. I had a look at your page and I really enjoyed your piece on veganism. A few months ago I stopped being vegan after 12 years (!!) and I resonated with your experience deeply. It was very affirming, validating and encouraging, so thank you!! I totally relate to that first egg feeling lol — you described it perfectly ☀️💗🥰
I totally agree, I also think social media creates such a homogeneous culture of trends. I often think about how differently we would dress and talk if it wasn’t for apps like Instagram and TikTok. And wow - I am so happy that you liked the veganism piece, I can relate to the struggle and can’t imagine how hard it was for you after 12 years 😱 I don’t know what you used to eat, if you were very much eating only whole foods or not, but one major shift I’ve had since writing that piece is understanding more about ultra processed foods. Most vegan diets are FULL of them and it’s something I was totally blind to before. I have another piece I wrote recently on that but I really recommend reading the book Ultra Processed People to learn more about it. So fascinating! I really wish you the best in your diet changes and also look forward to keeping up with your future posts 🤗
Forever and always obsessed with your personal essays. It’s fascinating to reflect on this — I used to be the deeply uncool girl in my school, not quite being outcasted but definitely not a part of the popular gang. And now in my swing dancing community I’m most definitely one of the “it girls”. It’s so funny how things run in cycles? Someone might look at me now and think “wow she’s so confident” but there will always be an awkward 13 year old in me, wishing she could just belong. 🩷🤸♀️🥦🧃🥲 Love you!!
Aww thank you so much, Gwen! I’ve noticed my personal essays are what bring me the most fulfilment, so I’m glad you enjoy them! 🥰
For what it’s worth, I think you’re the coolest. When I wrote “being cool to me is living authentically, nurturing your relationships, having courage in your convictions, being kind” — I thought of people like yourself who have had the courage to live authentic and colourful lives. Pursuing astrology and trying cool new things like swing dancing, takes a lot of courage when you don’t have someone in your immediate circle to turn to for guidance. Plus, you haven’t let your experiences of feeling misunderstood make you hard. That’s pretty damn cool to me! 💗💗💗
I often want to ask people “who were you at 13?” because I think it’s such an insight into one’s psyche lol. I don’t think those parts of ourselves ever leave us, but I sure do like to remember those versions of me, and try to be the person I needed back then for other people now (and for myself) ❤️🫶❤️
This popped into my inbox just when I was reflecting on some similar frustrating moments when people, often who you don’t know at all, actively try to put you in on the back foot socially.
You describe it all very well, across a lot of different ages yet the tactics remain the same.
The lack of interest, the patronising non responses to conversational engagement and responses that are purposefully designing misunderstanding in order to shame.
I do believe it is mostly from a place of their own deep insecurity and envy of another’s self love and self awareness, teamed with the maladaptive inability to engage with people who are in these ways and others, different to them.
A beautiful essay Kayla. I always enjoy your way of diving into your ideas and experiences in your writing. Thanks for the food for thought❤️
Awww hi Amy!! Thank you so much for reading and for taking the time to share these reflections. I’m so glad this piece resonated with you. It’s been something that’s been on my mind a lot lately, and it was therapeutic to put into words. I’ve always admired your authenticity — especially when in situations or environments that don’t promote individuality and diversity. I agree with all of your beautifully articulated reflections — especially around how such treatment often reveals more about the other person than it does about us. Although, that doesn’t make it any less hurtful. I’m really looking forward to reading some of your writing on Substack, because if it’s anything like this thoughtful commentary, we are so fortunate. I hope you’re well, and thriving with all of your creative projects/settling into your new home. Sending lots of love your way ❤️
Oh thank you Kayla. Yes the hurt does stick doesn’t it - we are funny creatures, humans, who seem to spend most of our time unconsciously pushing our hurt onto others. I also gained so many nourishing, positive take aways from your essay which hit close to home as well. Particularly I loved the sense of an overall resilience to uphold consistent self acceptance, not turn away from that which feeds your joy and the sustainable power that these practices gives to one’s confidence and creative pursuits. Soul food!
I absolutely need that little push to get my writing into a Substack and thank you so much for that lovely compliment.
All going steadily here though sometimes I feel like I’m a little dog that’s been lifted out of a pool when swimming. I’m not in the water but my legs are still kicking.
Hoping you and Tim are also absolutely thriving right now with many adventures coming your way in the second half of the year.
Huge amounts of love to you as well. I’ll be hanging out for your next post, while getting my fix in the epic back catalog. Enjoy the start of your week. ❤️
I have had a draft about this topic brewing on my dashboard for almost two years now! I remember in kindergarten trying to be “mean” because that was my image of what I thought “cool” was. I look back and I’m so embarrassed at how I abandoned myself. Thank you for sharing this so candidly and making me feel understood!
Aww thank you Jordan!! I’m so glad you enjoyed, and that you recognised parts of yourself in it. I think we’ve all had those moments — I’m constantly cringing at my past self (even as recent as last week lol) and I wonder how I could have ever behaved the way I did.
I think underneath the desire to be cool is actually a desire for acceptance, community and safety — which is very human. I hope you still go ahead and write your own reflections on this. I would love to read it 🥰💗
I loved this piece! I think the having courage part resonated the most and is the only part I feel connects what I thought what cool then and now. Confidence is such a powerful trait: no matter what someone is interested in, if they can be confident in their way and execution, it’s almost always impressive. Inauthentic confidence is easy to spot.
Right!? And aligning yourself with trends and art that don’t align with you, only to seem cool, isn’t authentic or courageous at all. Seeing someone having courage in their convictions and owning what they love, is very alluring and inspiring — and refreshing nowadays! Thank you so much for taking the time to share these reflections. I had a look at your page and I really enjoyed your piece on veganism. A few months ago I stopped being vegan after 12 years (!!) and I resonated with your experience deeply. It was very affirming, validating and encouraging, so thank you!! I totally relate to that first egg feeling lol — you described it perfectly ☀️💗🥰
I totally agree, I also think social media creates such a homogeneous culture of trends. I often think about how differently we would dress and talk if it wasn’t for apps like Instagram and TikTok. And wow - I am so happy that you liked the veganism piece, I can relate to the struggle and can’t imagine how hard it was for you after 12 years 😱 I don’t know what you used to eat, if you were very much eating only whole foods or not, but one major shift I’ve had since writing that piece is understanding more about ultra processed foods. Most vegan diets are FULL of them and it’s something I was totally blind to before. I have another piece I wrote recently on that but I really recommend reading the book Ultra Processed People to learn more about it. So fascinating! I really wish you the best in your diet changes and also look forward to keeping up with your future posts 🤗
Forever and always obsessed with your personal essays. It’s fascinating to reflect on this — I used to be the deeply uncool girl in my school, not quite being outcasted but definitely not a part of the popular gang. And now in my swing dancing community I’m most definitely one of the “it girls”. It’s so funny how things run in cycles? Someone might look at me now and think “wow she’s so confident” but there will always be an awkward 13 year old in me, wishing she could just belong. 🩷🤸♀️🥦🧃🥲 Love you!!
Aww thank you so much, Gwen! I’ve noticed my personal essays are what bring me the most fulfilment, so I’m glad you enjoy them! 🥰
For what it’s worth, I think you’re the coolest. When I wrote “being cool to me is living authentically, nurturing your relationships, having courage in your convictions, being kind” — I thought of people like yourself who have had the courage to live authentic and colourful lives. Pursuing astrology and trying cool new things like swing dancing, takes a lot of courage when you don’t have someone in your immediate circle to turn to for guidance. Plus, you haven’t let your experiences of feeling misunderstood make you hard. That’s pretty damn cool to me! 💗💗💗
I often want to ask people “who were you at 13?” because I think it’s such an insight into one’s psyche lol. I don’t think those parts of ourselves ever leave us, but I sure do like to remember those versions of me, and try to be the person I needed back then for other people now (and for myself) ❤️🫶❤️
😭😭😭😭😭✨