The Music That Made Me
Avril Lavigne, The Strokes, Lana Del Rey — formative music, five years at a time.
I love Pitchfork’s feature where musicians write about formative songs and albums that have meant the most to them throughout their life. Please indulge me as I do the same. Here I will detail formative artists, songs and albums from my life — five years at a time.
Age 5: “When I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things” — The Sound of Music, Favorite Things
I will often tell my partner Tim that I remember when a song was released and where I heard it. “But that song came out when you were like, three” he will often tell me, laughing in disbelief. “Yeah, but I remember it” I will go on, before detailing the outfit I was wearing or the milkshake I was drinking. With my Dad being a musician, I grew up around live music and there would always be music playing through speakers at home.
Much of my early exposure to music was from the radio, or mixtapes my Dad had made my Mum that we would listen to in the car. I loved listening to music in the car: the passing scenery, the people-watching, taking the long way home to hear my favourite song on the radio. I liked songs like Kiss Me by Sixpence None the Richer, Crush by Jennifer Paige and Smooth by Santana featuring Rob Thomas.
My world opened up when I watched The Sound of Music for the first time. It was on free to air TV and it changed my life forever. Everything from the songs, to the drapes turned clothing, made me feel completely alive.
I went to Kmart the next day to buy the video: “This was on TV last night, wasn’t it?” the cashier said to me. I nodded yes, taken aback by the attention from a grown up. I went on to watch it over and over again for years on end. “Oh no! Not The Sound of Music again!” my Dad would say.
Age 10: “Sometimes I get so weird, I even freak myself out” — Avril Lavigne, Anything but Ordinary
At age 10, I was a daughter, sister, student — but first and foremost, I was a rock chick. I didn’t like cookie-cutter-good-goodies. I liked my pop stars to be edgy, you know, like Avril Lavigne or Hilary Duff after her Metamorphosis. I also liked discovering new talent and supporting indie artists, like the Australian Idol contestants. I loved the Britney Spears cover of I Love Rock N Roll, because I too, loved rock and roll.
My Dad taught guitar lessons in the early 2000s, when it felt like every kid in the neighbourhood wanted to learn songs from bands like Sum 41, Blink 182 and Green Day. His home studio was loud enough to be heard when I was making myself a snack, or when I would be reading my beloved TV Hits magazines.
I have an old journal from around this time which declares that my hobbies were “sing, dance, listening to music” and how I dislike “annoying people” (not much has changed). I had started songwriting in private and writing songs about non-existent love interests and how I wasn’t allowed to do what I wanted (like jump on my bed) because, ugh: rules. I was shy at school, and struggled to focus in class, but I came alive when I would dance to music in my bedroom. Albums that were on high rotation were Let Go by Avril Lavigne, Stripped by Christina Aguilera and Hotel Paper my Michelle Branch.
Much was out of control in my life, but one thing I had was the gift of discovering a passion early on in life. This was a time where I believed in everything — myself, others, my dreams. No matter how old I get, I try and hold this part of me close. When I would read write ups in magazines about about how Avril Lavigne made her way out of her small town, it gave me hope that my dreams could one day exist outside of my bedroom.
Age 15: “And you're dancing 'round your room when the night ends” — Taylor Swift, Fifteen
At age 15, I probably had never been more cringe, but one thing I know for sure: I was free. My life changed the day I got a side fringe and a GHD. It was the era of MySpace and flip phones. Floral bursts of Impulse and hairspray blurred the lines between fantasy and reality. My life revolved around house parties, sleepovers, tapping my French tip nails on hard surfaces while chewing gum. My friends and I spent a lot of time at the local mall — going to the movies and sipping on Boost Juice. I wasn’t allowed to have a phone, so a friend had given me her spare Nokia phone with a prepaid sim (with which I texted three boys simultaneously). “Sorry I’m a slow txr” I messaged one of them. He thought I was funny, endearing, and not-like-the-other-girls. Somebody should’ve warned him: I was worse.
I was paddling between “Boys suck” and wanting to ride off into the sunset with a Jonas Brother. All of my feminine rage was released the day Miley Cyrus released 7 Things. I spent my weekends working at an ice cream parlour and blaring Piece of Me by Britney Spears through the speakers, while I sauced hotdogs, pausing only for dance breaks.
I had entered a new friendship group, and was suddenly was being invited to parties. There was this one guy (there’s always one) who would bring his guitar to parties and everyone would sit in a circle and sing songs together. It was usually a song like Remembering Sunday by All Time Low, or he would pander to me and play White Horse by Taylor Swift. He once uploaded a cover of Hello Beautiful by the Jonas Brothers to Bebo and dedicated it to me. I was too busy writing my rebuttals for debate team to notice.
Age 20: “Living life like I'm in a dream” — Marina and The Diamonds, Primadonna
At age 20, I had moved out of home and was living in the city. It was an exciting time in my life. I felt like the muse and the artist. A dream girl living a teenage dream. I had come out of a period of stagnancy and life felt exciting again. But it was also really hard. I was functioning on minimal sleep, fast food and would pop Advil like it was Pez. I cut a front fringe and would wear blue velvet, leather skirts and the lipstick shade Diva by MAC. I was learning who I was, without input from my family, and learning how to hold my own amid some water cooler gossip.
I had met my partner Tim at work, and all of my wrong turns felt serendipitous when they led me to him. He would quiz me on Seinfeld trivia when we passed each other in the hall, take me to shows, and find cool routes for us to ride our bikes (I had a Lana Del Rey Ride moment riding my bicycle over the Sydney Harbour Bridge with my eyes closed).
Although our taste was different, our love and enthusiasm for music connected us. For your reference, Tim’s first concert was Radiohead and mine was Avril Lavigne (we often joke we wouldn’t have vibed in high school). With that said, we were both open and excited to hear new music. We would make each other mixtapes and send each other links to songs we liked. I remember he sent me All My Little Words by The Magnetic Fields and Dreams-Come-True-Girl by Cass McCombs (of course, all lyrics were studied and decoded by me). Meanwhile, I sent him Kiss Me by Sixpence None the Richer and Begin Again by Taylor Swift.
We saw Mac Demarco at a now closed venue called The Standard on Oxford Street and Neutral Milk Hotel at Enmore Theatre. Tim was later conscripted to attend multiple Katy Perry shows.
Age 25: “They made a meme out of my legacy, darlin’” — Alex Cameron & Angel Olsen, Stranger’s Kiss
Being 25 was weird. I thought I was so old. It was a time of decluttering — my thoughts, friendships, space. I rebuilt myself from the ground up with the help of my loved ones. I reconnected with nature, picked up the guitar again, and started writing bad poetry in my Notes app. I used to listen to You Get What You Give by New Radicals on repeat on my morning walks (along with any corny self-empowerment anthem I could find). Other tracks on high rotation included Don’t Delete the Kisses by Wolf Alice, The Lourve by Lorde, Sure by Hatchie, 20 Something by SZA and Get Free by Lana Del Rey.
I had officially transitioned from pop princess to indie darling. I lived in band t-shirts and my New York Yankees cap. If your favourite artist was in town, I was probably going to see you at the show. I had grown accustomed to the sticky beer covered floors, the late nights and knowing more song lyrics at the show than any of the indie bros. I had blended the enthusiasm and passion I had learned from pop fandoms and channelled them into smaller artists, while also remaining loyal to my pop icons.
I had seen The National, Kevin Morby and Lorde play at the Sydney Opera House, The War on Drugs and Father John Misty at Enmore Theatre, Angel Olsen at The Giant Dwarf in Redfern. Lana Del Rey and Katy Perry at Qudos Bank Arena, Charli XCX at Metro Theatre, Taylor Swift at ANZ Stadium, Dua Lipa at Big Top in Luna Park. I was particularly obsessed with smaller Australian artists like Hatchie and Alex Cameron — both whom I saw live multiple times (I told you, I was everywhere). I randomly ran into Alex Cameron after the Father John Misty show at Enmore Theatre. “Hey, are you Alex Cameron?” I asked as I stood in front of a group of artsy looking people. He stood up right away. “Yeah, that’s me, hi!” he said. I introduced myself and told him I would be at his show on Valentine’s Day, and that I loved his song Stranger’s Kiss. He was really nice, and said “Don’t be a stranger” before I said goodbye.
As hard as it was, I will always be grateful for 25 year old me. She taught me how to take care of myself, and how it is never too late to rebuild your life, brick by brick.
Age 30: “Welcome to your life, there’s no turning back” — Tears for Fears, Everybody Wants to Rule the World
While many approach the age of 30 with fear and dread, I was feeling pretty good. Keep in mind: I had my decade defining existential crisis at age 25, so I was already way ahead of my peers. They may have had homes, families and stable careers, but iiiii had been the first to have a breakdown.
I felt more “me” than I ever had in my entire adulthood. Coming out of the pandemic, and returning to some kind of normalcy was exciting and a long time coming. I was going for daily walks, enjoying the sunshine and making new friends. I was a few months into writing on Substack, and was feeling creatively fulfilled and motivated. I had found my voice, but was just getting confident in sharing it.
Ahead of my milestone birthday, I was in New York City with Tim. The album Midnights by Taylor Swift was released the day before we left Sydney, so I remember Anti-Hero followed us wherever we went. As we pulled up in our cab to St Marks Place, the car next to us was blaring Whole Lotta Love by Led Zeppelin with their windows down. I cried at the Beabadoobee gig at The Brooklyn Steel when she played Ripples with a string quartet. I became fixated on Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Tears For Fears after hearing a guy playing it from a boombox on the street like John Cusak in Say Anything.
As I brought in a new decade, I was listening to a lot of the album Star-crossed by Kacey Musgraves, Norman Fucking Rockwell by Lana Del Rey and anything by The Strokes after watching the Meet Me in the Bathroom documentary. After being in lockdown for essentially two years in Sydney, it was exciting to finally be able to go to shows again. To name a few: Tim and I saw Alex G, Hatchie, Alvvays, Pavement, Bon Iver, Angel Olsen, Harry Styles, Rolling Blackouts C.F. I wore flared corduroy jeans when I saw Paul McCartney at Allianz Stadium, I caught a rose thrown into the crowd by Weyes Blood at the Sydney Opera House, and I struggled to keep up with Caroline Polachek’s vocals at Enmore Theatre.
I was romanticising my life and writing about it — music continued to be at the centre of it. It was the end of a decade, but the start of an exciting time in my life.
Ohhhhhh Kayla this is exactly the kind of writing I live for from you. I looooved this walk down memory lane during cancer ♋️ szn 🥹😂🎶✨ Like you I was a punk rock princess (tho very closeted) in my teens / pre teens. That “Favs” list written in glittery gel pen was especially nostalgic!!!!! Why did we all do that!!!!! And Remembering Sunday by All Time Low, I haven’t thought of that song in a while but the chords immediately came flooding back as I read it. Thank you for sharing this with us. I love you!! Gwen x
i love this!! age 25 hit